Expecting a baby is a very exciting time for a couple. It is a life changing milestone, where we transit from being just a couple, to a family unit. Hence, needless to say, this period will be wrought with plenty of decision making, as we take on new responsibilities as parents. I do not deny that I really enjoyed picking out clothes, and choosing which stroller and in which color, but there were many far more important conversations, which now on hindsight, I wish I had with my spouse before we had our baby.
1. Caregiving arrangement for the baby
One of the first few things we do once we realize we are pregnant is to book a confinement nanny. And if we are not about to bust a few thousand bucks on a confinement nanny, we would sought alternative arrangements for our confinement, be it via family support or to hire a foreign domestic worker. To a first time pregnant mother, her entire mind is just concentrating on bringing this new life safely into the world, and the delivery of the baby is likened to a mad dash to the finish, where we can finally thrust our fists up in the air, with a triumphant “I did it!”.
But more important than the 28 days in confinement after birth, when the nanny leaves, what will the caregiving arrangement be like for the baby? Yes, mommy might still be on maternity leave (if she’s a working mother), but what about thereafter when she needs to return back to work? Would there be a grandparent that could help look after the child? Is hiring a foreign domestic worker one of the options? Are we willing to put baby in infant care?
What about the responsibilities at night?
A new born wakes up very frequently to feed and needs diaper changes throughout the night. And that’s not to say that they stop doing that once they leave the newborn stage, because I know of 2 year old toddlers who still wake up in the middle of the night for milk. Is it always mommy who needs to do it all? Can daddy also step in to help out in some areas? Maybe if mommy is doing the feeds, can daddy burp and do diaper changes? Whatever arrangement you come up with, at least it was something you both gave some thought and decided together before the baby came. The worst thing that can happen is when this was not discussed before, and when faced with a crying baby in the middle of the night, mummy is always the expected default to care for and feed the child, which can spiral into a lot resentment and unhappiness for the new mother. Post natal depression is so real, and well, that is a topic for another day.
2. The finances of bringing up a child
I know of a lot of married couples who keep their finances separate even after marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for being a modern 21st century feminist who is perfectly capable of earning her own keep, and I am not saying that we need a man’s financial contribution to validate us, just because we have taken on their last name. In a couple setting, I feel this might still work because there are many expenses which are clearly demarcated either his or hers.
However, this obviously takes on a paradigm shift the minute you have a baby together, or perhaps even before baby came along, a home together. For the first time, you would be sharing something. This is a good time to bring up the financial aspect of raising a child. Beyond the impending hospital bills and the gynaecological visits, how do we split the costs of the things which baby will need? What about the cost of his education, and all the day to day expenses? Clothes, diapers, milk, bottles .etc. all need money. Do we come up with a joint account for all these expenses? How do we contribute in there, in what proportion? Should it be 50/50 or should it be a function of how much each party makes?
Whatever the decision is, we need to acknowledge that a child is a joint responsibility and this is a conversation we need to have.
3. How do we want to discipline our kid?
When my husband and I first got married, we had very different ideas of who would be the disciplinarian of the children versus how it turned out today. He thought he’d be the fun dad, and the one whom the kids will always go to to play and to have a good time, whereas I’d be the stern nasty one, always dishing out punishments and threats. I thought the same as well at that time.
Fast forward today, I am the main caregiver and the kids always come to me for comfort and solace, and because I am always so gentle and soft towards them, they are rarely afraid of me. The father, on the other hand, turned out to be quite a scary figure around the house, and a loud grunt from him is far more effective than me repeating the same instruction 498356923784 times. And that is totally fine, because it was something which we established as a couple as we went along and navigated parenthood together. To us, what was most important was that we always stood behind each other’s decisions, and are firm with the kids, so they always see us as a unit. We have also established that we wanna raise our kids with a lot of love, so we never ever yell at them, and instead, we try to explain and reason things out with them. It’s not always easy, and it requires a lot of patience, but this is how we have chosen to raise our children.
What about you? Is corporal punishment acceptable in your household? Who will be the main disciplinarian? What works for one family might not work for another, and the most important is to have talked this through and decided on it together.
4. What kind of values do we want for our child?
As a kid, I grew up having very little. I was the 2nd child of the family, and I rarely had anything new of my own. Everything I owned and used were largely hand-me-downs from a sister 4 years my senior. Hence, when I first had my baby, I wanted him to have the best of everything. Everything a child could ever possibly want, and everything which I never had. I was living out the life I hoped I had, through my baby now.
My husband, on the other hand, had very different ideas. He was an entrepreneur and he mooted for the idea of earning what you have. Whatever you want, work for it. It was not till after many rounds of squabbles and arguments, that we finally came to a compromise on the lifestyle which we would like for our children.
Have you had this conversation with your spouse yet? How different were you both brought up as children? More important than the material lifestyle, know that however you choose to raise your kid, will also invariably go on to build the values they hold.
5. What will happen if we are not around to care for our child anymore?
I remembered exactly how I felt when I first held my baby in my arms, after carrying him in my womb for 9 months. It was so surreal, to have, what was up till that point, just a moving sensation in my belly, be removed from me and placed onto my chest, and for the first time, I could see him in his full form, and he was so beautiful. And with that, the weight on my chest came not just from my 3.8kg baby alone, but I could feel too, the heaviness of the responsibilities that I now take on as a mother.
For the first time in our lives, there is this small, vulnerable little life that depends on us wholly, completely and entirely for his livelihood. We are his providers, his caregivers, his shelter, his food, his comfort, and in a nutshell, his everything. What will happen to him if one day we are not around anymore to continue being all that to him? Would he still have a roof over his head? Will there be somebody that can take care of him? What about his education? Can we continue to provide even when we are not around?
There has never been a more important time to look into our insurance portfolio, to plan for all these unforeseen, especially as we take on this new status and responsibility as parents. We cannot control when we are called home to be with God, but we can control how badly that will affect our children if we take action now.
I wished I had these conversations with my husband when we were first expecting, and that would have saved us plenty of heartache and misunderstandings. We would have been able to take on parenthood being on the same page every step of the way, though I have to say that that is not always possible on everything. Well, at least, we have got to try?
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