Many a time, in my corporate day-to-day, I find myself turning up my nose and scoffing when my newly minted mommy co-worker took childcare leave. Again.
She is being so selfish when everybody else puts their holiday leave plans on hold for our team sales target. Another thing which really got to me is how she always knocks off at 6pm sharp. Doesn’t it bother her that the entire team is working late? She should really pull her weight around here! And all those times when we had team bonding activities, which she will excuse herself from. What a wet blanket! Also, whenever we had any get-together after work hours, she will always have to rush off at a certain time. We can never get a full team picture because of her. And don’t even get me started on how she always “disappears” 2-3 times a day to the nursing room to pump. Oh c’mon, is that really necessary? Once I can close an eye, but 2-3 times?! That’s really taking things a tad too far! I’m this close to deleting her from all my social media accounts. I mean, what’s the point when her entire feed is all about her baby. Seriously, I’ve completely no interest in when her kid smiles for the first time, had their first tooth or took his first solids. It’s like she has completely lost herself, and her sense of identity! She used to be fun! These were my thoughts.
Before I became a mother myself.
So to my Mommy co-worker, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I judged you when you had to be on leave to care for your children. I had no idea you were struggling with feelings of extreme guilt for not fighting side-by-side the team, and yet at the same time, also feeling really lousy for not being 100% present for your baby. I did not understand the struggles of a full-time working mother. How much she wants to be a role model to her kids, to show them women bring so much more to the table, than just the traditional role of caregiver. She wants them to be able to look up to her, for being a strong, independent and capable woman, but yet at the same time, she feels these conflicting nagging feelings of guilt, like she shirked her parental responsibilities to the domestic help, or a doting grandparent, or a childcare facility.
I’m sorry it irked me when you leave work punctually at 6pm everyday. I did not know you had to pick your kid up from childcare by 7pm everyday, and by then, he’s already the last one in the centre, feeling lonely and scared as he watches his friends get picked up one by one. It did not occur to me that in your huge mommy bag, you had stowed away with you your laptop, so that you could continue with your work when your baby is sound asleep for the night.
I’m sorry how you were not able to join in the team-bonding activities, even though every fiber of your entire being was dying to be a part of it. I had no idea if you had a choice, you would be singing karaoke, catching the team movie, or be part of games night. I did not know how much you craved for the team camaraderie that you missed so sorely. All just because you have a little human at home who will not be able to go to bed without mommy tucking him in, or nursing him to sleep.
I’m sorry it annoyed me when you always had to excuse yourself to the nursing room to pump. I did not know you were also battling many bouts of mastitis and painful blocked ducts because many a times, you felt too embarrassed to excuse yourself when everyone else was working away. This caused your milk supply to dip, and in turn caused you further distress, as you needed to excuse yourself even more often to keep the supply up, or you won’t have sufficient for your baby. It was a vicious cycle, revolving either being a lousy co-worker or a lousy mother.
I’m sorry I almost “unfriended” you on Facebook and Instagram. I thought you had lost your sense of identity when all you were posting were about your baby. Little did I know how these little humans start to slowly consume every semblance of your lives the minute they enter this world. I did not expect that their every smile, every milestone, every teeny weeny achievement was a celebration for you. I should have rejoiced with you, and not be so self absorbed. You did not lose yourself, you just took on a new identity.
I’m sorry it took me becoming a mother to know. But yes, I know now.
I’m sorry I didn’t show you more encouragement and patience.
I’m sorry I didn’t whisper the loudest support to you.
It wasn’t easy being you - being a mother and wife, and a working one at that. But YES, now I know.
With Remorse,
S.
Let’s spread more love, more care and support for Mothers out there.
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